You Make Me Smile

It's been a long time since I can say I am happy. I mean I tried to cherish every moment in my life after my battle with depression. I did. I have my happiness wall to convince myself that those are the things that made you happy before. Telling myself that I have my happy moments. But for the first time after so long, I can say I smile everyday. Tomorrow is a new day for me and I can't wait to see tomorrow unlike before. 

Thank you dear friend that I just knew. Thank you so much. You gave me hope. Is this love? No, it is happiness. Happiness that I've been waiting for. I'm crying right now cause I am so happy. It's been quite a while someone make me happy. I mean really makes me happy. Regardless of he knowing it or not. Now I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to know someone like him. Thank you ya Allah. Thank you for meeting me with SA. 

What If...

There will be one day, sooner or later you will get married, I will get married. But with who? What will my reaction that time? Sad? Happy? When will that day come? Next year? Next 10 years? Or never?

Till the day comes, I will never know. I can only say what if I get married with my first love? What if I will never get married? What if the guy I'm seeing right now is my future husband till death do us apart? 

What if? I will never know till the day comes.

Dia Lebih Tahu

Bila aku tengok diri aku sekarang nie, aku rasa this is the best I can be up to today and tomorrow it will be awesome! Bila tengok balik apa yg pernah berlaku pada diri aku, I know those were test given by Him to strengthen me up. Aku tak kuat, aku mengaku. Dia uji aku supaya aku lebih kuat. Walaupun aku masih tak kuat, sekurang-kurang nya aku lebih kuat daripada semalam.

When things doesn't go to my plan, I will blame myself. Why why why. Dalam masa sehari plus minus, aku akan dok fikir je pasal bende tu. Kenapa Dewi kenapa. Bila ada masalah berlaku, aku menangis. Kadang nak menjerit pun ada, menjerit pun ada. Tp dalam bilik lah. Bila dah tenang, aku fikir balik kenapa bende tu jadi. Dan aku akan amek the positive side of it for me to be a better person. 

Aku tengok kawan-kawan aku, sorang-sorang mendirikan rumah tangga atau pun bertunang. Kalau pergi majlis perkahwinan, aku merewang sorang sorang dalam hall, pergi balik sendiri. Aku jealous, aku tak nafikan dan aku question kenapa. Dia kan sebaik-baik perancang. Aku fikir sejenak atau berjenak-jenak sampai lah aku puas hati berfikir. Dan jawapan untuk persoalan aku adalah ( jawapan diri sendiri untuk diri sendiri ), your family still needs you. I looked back on the things that happened before. He lead me this way. To make me being a better person. 

Aku sibuk nak cari pengganti. Yea lah bercinta nak masuk 10 tahun, kemudian single. Dah 10 bulan single. I asked myself again and again. Are you ready for a new relationship Dewi? Relationship has its ups and downs. Are you ready for that? I'm ready for the ups, not for the downs yet. Selfish kan? I love hard. When I love and care for someone, I do it whole heartedly. When things go wrong or something happen, it will drag me and my life down. I'm not ready for that. But as a normal person, I do want to love and to be loved. Maybe now is not the time yet. 

I am happy for who I am today. I want to be better each day. I have dreams and I want to make them a reality. Although it will take me years to do it. But somehow, He helped me in realizing my dreams slowly but surely. I have faith in Him.

It Wasn't Enough

There's a time when I felt down. Really down. I manage to get up again with the help of my friend and alhamdulillah He always by my side during my ups and downs. I started to be even more grateful with the things I have right now. As for me, I tend to look things physically. If I can see it physically, then I am more convince. 

What I did was, I wrote down all the things that I am grateful for on a piece on an a7 paper ( a4 paper cut into 8 parts ), fold it and put it inside a box. The more paper that I used to write the things that I am grateful for, the more things came in my mind to write it on the paper. At one point I said to myself, you can use every paper that you have, cut every tree to make papers to write the things that you're grateful for, write it on every surface that is writable, but it is still not enough. 

Allah is so merciful. Even when you didn't 'talk' to Him, He still loves you no matter what you did, He still care even if you don't, He still there when you need Him. By the time, you want to 'be back', He will still accept you. 

Alhamdulillah.

My Second Home

I don't visit this place often. But I can say I visited this place more often than I visit my parents'. No one knows abour this except me. Maybe it's true what my friend said, I'm not a person who ask for help even though I really need one. 

I used not to like going to clinic or even hospital because I used not to believe in doctors due to some personal reason. The first time I came to the hospital for check up alone, it's like I've achieved something. Nobody force me to go. I willingly go. I can say that I was so proud of myself for doing that.

Say yay to yourself Dewi! Right now I'm waiting for my turn for check up. The other day I came for drawing some blood to be tested. Hopefully the result is good. I know that my Iron level is low, that's for sure. Nevertheless, been trying to eat Iron rich food.

That's all for now. Toulousss...